508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
