all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
