my mouth tastes like poor choices
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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