He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
