totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
