you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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