Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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