I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
