highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
