rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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