I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
