How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
