Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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