Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
