Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize