and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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