why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
