I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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