the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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