I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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