I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
