I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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