conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My vagina is very pro this idea
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
