spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
