You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
