I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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