apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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