If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
