finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
