I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
