All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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