Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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