I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
