guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
