I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
