Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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