Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
