Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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