i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
