And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
