I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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