Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
