If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
