dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
