Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
