PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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