I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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