I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
