please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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