I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Oh god it's open bar.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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