I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
