That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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