He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
