I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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