i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
