I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
