literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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